OOM: Fatherhood

[latino_menace]

Ramon's got something on his mind. It's been on his mind for a while, if he's honest, but the events of the day have pushed it to the front of his mind somewhat and now he really wants to talk to Random about it.

But first - showering and changing after his impromptu dunking in the ocean. And Random's busy with Martin for a while so he just goes to lounge on the sofa, fiddling with his lighter and staring at nothing while his mind turns things over.

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[latino_menace]

He smiles around the kiss as best he can, glad that he can at least make him a little bit happy.

When its done, he shifts them so they're so close, because there's still more to say and he wants to hold him for it. But first, it's important that he knows that,

'I love you.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

A little bit happy?

His heart is pounding in his chest, he can hardly think, and he's pretty sure the world is spinning.

"How did I find you? How? How spectacular you are."

[latino_menace]

Ramon looks confused, because he wasn't expecting this.

'What are you talking about?'

He doesn't think it's that big a deal. Mainly because he's pretty convinced it won't work.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I..."

He swallows.

"...was pretty sure you were still angry with me."

[latino_menace]

'...what? Why?'

He doesn't recall ever being properly angry with him about it at all.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"For bringing an invader."

He'd be scared to tell him, if he weren't so glad he wasn't.

"You know what I mean."

[latino_menace]

'Oh.'

Well, he's not about to deny it.

'I was. Only not really angry. Just annoyed. And frustrated because fuck Random, we just found some peace.'

He looks at the drowsy child and again, there's nothing.

'But he makes you happy. And I keep telling you, I'm trying to make you happy. If this is what it takes, then OK. And I'll try.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Having him doesn't have to mean we don't have peace" he tells him, with a rather hurt tone, and leans down to kiss the top of Martin's head.

"I... did try not to get you to help. I did. But I'm really glad you're helping, baby, because I just couldn't."

[latino_menace]

He breathes out, tells himself to stay calm, and speaks softly to try and assauge some of the hurt.

'I know you tried. And it's not that, because I knew that would happen anyway. That's why I was so against it to start off with. But it doesn't matter because it's done now. He's here and we have to think about what's next.'

I will not let him drive a wedge between us. I just won't.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I don't know to say."

He winces, then looks up at him, guiltily.

"Tell me what I should say. I'm lost, and I'm going to end up doing something to make it worse."

[latino_menace]

A strong arm wraps round his stomach, under where he's holding Martin; the other plays in his hair as he leans in to kiss his cheek.

'Baby, it's not about sorting out what's already happened. I just don't know what to do next. You'd like me to be his father - you know what happened before. I'm telling you I'll try but I don't know if I'll be able to. You see?'

His eyes close once more.

'I told myself I'd never do it again.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"It's safe now."

He whispers it, leaning against him.

"We're safe. You're allowed to do what you want, not what you told yourself. It's not that world any more."

[latino_menace]

'I know I'm safe. But that doesn't mean he is, not if he ever goes there. And if anything happened to him because of me, I'd lose you.'

He knows that as surely as he knows his own name. Both of them.

'And it's not as easy as just saying I'm a different person and walking away from it. That sort of thing...'

He tries to think of a non-revealing way to say this.

'...it stays with you. I can't just forget about it.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"But it is safe. I'm more of a risk to him than you are."

Because his family goes from world to world.

"I promise you, he is. I won't bring him there. Not until he's old enough to be an adult and have a gun and know to take care of himself."

It'll be alright.

"I... don't worry about it. Do what you can. It's more than I ever hoped for."

[latino_menace]

'No Random, you're missing the point.'

He sighs and leans back, rubbing his eyes.

'It's not so much a question of security. It's me, don't you get it? You wanted him brought up somewhere where he'll be loved and valued. I don't know if I can give him that. I'm not sure I want to give him that. And no matter how how we try, he'll never be mine. I only ever had one kid, really, and he's gone. And I can't just forget about it because I'm not on Earth any more, much as I'd like to.'

That's about as honest as he's been since he was cursed. He never expected to say things like that while just being himself.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I know that. I knew it when we started."

He holds his now sleeping son close.

"I... don't know. I don't like it. But I knew it all along and I love you and if you still mean to try, that'll be enough for me."

[latino_menace]

'You don't like what? That he might grow up knowing that one half of this relationship doesn't care about him? Because I can't see how that won't make things awkward between us and I'm not letting that happen.'

Although he's not entirely sure what he can do about it.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"That you're worrying. Don't get angry, I'm not being silly."

He remonstrates him gently, because he's trying to avoid that trap.

"Don't worry. Don't. It's not worth it. Just be and help me take care of him and don't turn him away when he comes running or follows you or stares at you."

[latino_menace]

'It's not that easy,' he mutters at nothing and no one in particular. 'They know. You think I haven't been here before?'

Hands fall away from him completely now and he runs them both over his face in a brief, tired gesture that Random probably can't see as it's behind him.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Then we're back where I don't know what to say."

He closes his eyes, taking comfort in the sleeping infant.

"Tell me what you need to hear?"

[latino_menace]

Ramon would cringe to know that. He wants him to take comfort in him. He hasn't got used to the idea of sharing yet.

'Fine, you don't know what to say. Can you just - trust that I know what I'm talking about, for one minute? I've been here a bunch of times before and this is your first time, so listen would you?'

He's not really angry. Just frustrated.

'You wanted him away from Remba to be loved and brought up right. I can help with the bringing up but I can't promise love. I need to hear that you're not going to hold it against me if it all goes wrong, Random. That you understand that having him here, with me, doesn't guarentee that it's going to make things happy for him. I told you I'll try and I will but you have to stop pretending that everything's going to be perfect. Kids just don't work out that way.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I am listening."

He says it quietly, and largely without emotion, because Ramon doesn't need to deal with his emotions right now. Not when he's on the rollercoaster that powerful fucking magic leaves, not to mention pushing what he had into Arithon.

"And I do know. I would never hold it against you and I will make him happy, even if it means us spending a lot of time with Arithon and Bianca. He'll have people there for him, and baby?

I need to pretend everything'll be perfect. Because if I don't, then I'm going to spend every minute expecting Dworkin and Julian to crash in here, me to get a bullet in the forehead and them dragging my boy off to his old home.

I'm tired. I'm pretending. I won't blame you if reality comes back, of course, but I really kind of need the dream right now, if you know what I mean?"

[latino_menace]

If Ramon doesn't need to deal with Random's emotions, then Random doesn't need to deal with his either. He takes a deep, calming breath and sits forward again, once more wrapping his arms round Random's middle.

'Alright. I'm sorry. We're both tired and I picked the wrong day to bring this up. It just threw me when you called me his dad, that's all.'

A soft kiss is placed in his neck, hoping to relax him a little.

'I'm worrying about nothing, I'm sure it'll be fine. OK?'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Well, it's a little different, because Random's are unfounded and irrational, as he's now on the sorceror's version of PMS.

Yay?

"Okay. Let me change this youngling's diaper, and then methinks he could use a nap."

[latino_menace]

...Ramon wouldn't go as far as to say yay...

He lets go reluctantly, not sure that that did the reasssuring job that he'd hoped for, and swearing at himself for bringing it up at all. Today, of all days.

Just another example of terrible timing.

'Alright. You want something to eat? I could make us a sandwich or something.'