OOM: Fatherhood

[latino_menace]

Ramon's got something on his mind. It's been on his mind for a while, if he's honest, but the events of the day have pushed it to the front of his mind somewhat and now he really wants to talk to Random about it.

But first - showering and changing after his impromptu dunking in the ocean. And Random's busy with Martin for a while so he just goes to lounge on the sofa, fiddling with his lighter and staring at nothing while his mind turns things over.

Comments

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I don't know to say."

He winces, then looks up at him, guiltily.

"Tell me what I should say. I'm lost, and I'm going to end up doing something to make it worse."

[latino_menace]

A strong arm wraps round his stomach, under where he's holding Martin; the other plays in his hair as he leans in to kiss his cheek.

'Baby, it's not about sorting out what's already happened. I just don't know what to do next. You'd like me to be his father - you know what happened before. I'm telling you I'll try but I don't know if I'll be able to. You see?'

His eyes close once more.

'I told myself I'd never do it again.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"It's safe now."

He whispers it, leaning against him.

"We're safe. You're allowed to do what you want, not what you told yourself. It's not that world any more."

[latino_menace]

'I know I'm safe. But that doesn't mean he is, not if he ever goes there. And if anything happened to him because of me, I'd lose you.'

He knows that as surely as he knows his own name. Both of them.

'And it's not as easy as just saying I'm a different person and walking away from it. That sort of thing...'

He tries to think of a non-revealing way to say this.

'...it stays with you. I can't just forget about it.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"But it is safe. I'm more of a risk to him than you are."

Because his family goes from world to world.

"I promise you, he is. I won't bring him there. Not until he's old enough to be an adult and have a gun and know to take care of himself."

It'll be alright.

"I... don't worry about it. Do what you can. It's more than I ever hoped for."

[latino_menace]

'No Random, you're missing the point.'

He sighs and leans back, rubbing his eyes.

'It's not so much a question of security. It's me, don't you get it? You wanted him brought up somewhere where he'll be loved and valued. I don't know if I can give him that. I'm not sure I want to give him that. And no matter how how we try, he'll never be mine. I only ever had one kid, really, and he's gone. And I can't just forget about it because I'm not on Earth any more, much as I'd like to.'

That's about as honest as he's been since he was cursed. He never expected to say things like that while just being himself.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I know that. I knew it when we started."

He holds his now sleeping son close.

"I... don't know. I don't like it. But I knew it all along and I love you and if you still mean to try, that'll be enough for me."

[latino_menace]

'You don't like what? That he might grow up knowing that one half of this relationship doesn't care about him? Because I can't see how that won't make things awkward between us and I'm not letting that happen.'

Although he's not entirely sure what he can do about it.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"That you're worrying. Don't get angry, I'm not being silly."

He remonstrates him gently, because he's trying to avoid that trap.

"Don't worry. Don't. It's not worth it. Just be and help me take care of him and don't turn him away when he comes running or follows you or stares at you."

[latino_menace]

'It's not that easy,' he mutters at nothing and no one in particular. 'They know. You think I haven't been here before?'

Hands fall away from him completely now and he runs them both over his face in a brief, tired gesture that Random probably can't see as it's behind him.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Then we're back where I don't know what to say."

He closes his eyes, taking comfort in the sleeping infant.

"Tell me what you need to hear?"

[latino_menace]

Ramon would cringe to know that. He wants him to take comfort in him. He hasn't got used to the idea of sharing yet.

'Fine, you don't know what to say. Can you just - trust that I know what I'm talking about, for one minute? I've been here a bunch of times before and this is your first time, so listen would you?'

He's not really angry. Just frustrated.

'You wanted him away from Remba to be loved and brought up right. I can help with the bringing up but I can't promise love. I need to hear that you're not going to hold it against me if it all goes wrong, Random. That you understand that having him here, with me, doesn't guarentee that it's going to make things happy for him. I told you I'll try and I will but you have to stop pretending that everything's going to be perfect. Kids just don't work out that way.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I am listening."

He says it quietly, and largely without emotion, because Ramon doesn't need to deal with his emotions right now. Not when he's on the rollercoaster that powerful fucking magic leaves, not to mention pushing what he had into Arithon.

"And I do know. I would never hold it against you and I will make him happy, even if it means us spending a lot of time with Arithon and Bianca. He'll have people there for him, and baby?

I need to pretend everything'll be perfect. Because if I don't, then I'm going to spend every minute expecting Dworkin and Julian to crash in here, me to get a bullet in the forehead and them dragging my boy off to his old home.

I'm tired. I'm pretending. I won't blame you if reality comes back, of course, but I really kind of need the dream right now, if you know what I mean?"

[latino_menace]

If Ramon doesn't need to deal with Random's emotions, then Random doesn't need to deal with his either. He takes a deep, calming breath and sits forward again, once more wrapping his arms round Random's middle.

'Alright. I'm sorry. We're both tired and I picked the wrong day to bring this up. It just threw me when you called me his dad, that's all.'

A soft kiss is placed in his neck, hoping to relax him a little.

'I'm worrying about nothing, I'm sure it'll be fine. OK?'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Well, it's a little different, because Random's are unfounded and irrational, as he's now on the sorceror's version of PMS.

Yay?

"Okay. Let me change this youngling's diaper, and then methinks he could use a nap."

[latino_menace]

...Ramon wouldn't go as far as to say yay...

He lets go reluctantly, not sure that that did the reasssuring job that he'd hoped for, and swearing at himself for bringing it up at all. Today, of all days.

Just another example of terrible timing.

'Alright. You want something to eat? I could make us a sandwich or something.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"God, I'm starving."

He really does look like he needs it.

"Please. Something hot. And as much of it as we've got."

He stands, voice trailing off as he walks into the babie's room towards the changeing table.

[latino_menace]

He opens his mouth, then closes it again because...something hot? He has no idea.

Luckily, the fridge yields leftover Chinese food and he knows how to work the microwave now. It's zapped happily for a few minutes and he makes some of his good coffee, adding a couple of cold beers to go with it because alcohol sometimes takes the edge off things.

Everything's set out on the dining room table and he sits down to wait for Random. With a Scotch bottle because strong alcohol is often good too.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He's not long- he has this down to a science now, and when he comes back he collapses smoothly into a chair and grabs for the mushu pork with a moan.

"Thanks."

And with that he sets in on it, eating... rather like his son.

[latino_menace]

Ramon watches him with something like horror, because the family resemblance at this point is quite scary to behold.

He doesn't eat that much himself because tension tends to take away his appetite. He just takes about half, then pushes the plate away and starts on the beer instead.

'He's asleep?'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Yeah."

He's been pouring magic around all afternoon. Pretty soon the pork is gone, and he settles back in his chair with a sigh.

"He was worn out. What did the three of you do?"

[latino_menace]

Ramon smirks - or tries to - and keeps it light.

'Walked up the beach. I got surrounded by bikini-clad chicks - naturally - and Bianca ruined it by pretending to be my girlfriend and told them all I was claiming custody of Martin to get revenge on my wife. So that ruined that - then walked back, avoided talking deeply about things and she got magic spirits to throw me in the sea.'

Still not amused about that.

'So, I'm one gun, a pair of Armani pants and two thousand dollars worse off than when I started the day. All in all, I've had more productive ones.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"That sounds like a mastercard commercial without the 'priceless' part. Kiss me and lets come up with it ourselves?"

He smiles at him, already feeling a lot better just for eating.

"After lunch, of course."

[latino_menace]

'Didn't we just have lunch?'

He gets up though, and wanders round the table, leaning down to kiss him softly. Then he perches on the edge of it and lights a cigarette, looking down at him.

'You OK? Really?'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I'm tired."

He's also standing, and taking Ramon's hand, then leading him towards Martin's room where the baby moniter is grabbed.

Then Ramon is led outside, into the spring air of Haven, where the snow is melted and the sun is out and the difference in time has everything well under way.

It's a bit disorienting, going through seasons so fast, but Random sighs in happiness and sits down on the steps, enjoying the breeze.