OOM: A decision

[latino_menace]

It's cold now, after having been out here for an hour or two, he's lost track of the actual time. As always on Haven, there's no ambient noise or light. Only the moon reflecting off the lake, surrounded by almost eerie silence. He doesn't care. His thoughts would drown out any sound anyway.

This is hard for him and he feels like the stuffing's been knocked out of him. There's no fight there, for the first time since he was cursed. Because when it comes down to it, Dream had been right. Random had said as much. Even if he went ahead and did what he wanted to do with Narcissa, and he didn't lose Random over it - then there'd be someone else lining up soon enough. If there's anything that his time as a crime lord has shown him, it's that enemies don't go away. They're the most inevitable thing there is.

And he knows he's faced this before. Almost lost Random when he wanted to go and become immortal, the guy had got as far as packing his bags. Ramon couldn't bear to be without him then and he can't now.

So what's the solution? Do what Random wants, back down, let the woman win?

Change?

It's almost a dirty word, to him. He doesn't know how to, doesn't want to learn. But that's what he'd be doing, even if he only gave an inch to that bitch. And no matter how he looks at it, it seems to be inevitable.

Trust will be damaged if he gets locked up again. Could be anyone that puts him there, but he knows it'll happen. Already has twice in the last two weeks. How much more will Random stand?

And at the same time...curbing the instinct to fight back - he's never had to do it in his life. He's never had to control himself, has never answered to anyone for his actions. But that's what love is, right? Compromise. Doing as your partner wants. He'd thought he was doing pretty well with it, but obviously not. The thought of backing down from anyone is enough to make bile rise in his throat.

He raises a hand and scrubs it across his face, then stares out at the lake again. So tired. He knows he could think about this all night, but what's the point? When it comes down to it - he hasn't fought this long to keep Random with him, to go and throw it all away now.

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe he can go and ask him a simple question and all this will go away. It's possible - of course, if the answer's wrong then he'll be forced to implement the idea brewing at the back of his mind. That would be a whole different kettle of fish. But there's no point dwelling on it, because there's only one way to find out. And he intends to - he pushes away from the rock he'd been leaning against and lights a cigarette as he wanders back up to the house. He'll love him first, he thinks. If he's still allowed, after that argument. Hell, there's a possibility he'll never be allowed again, after tonight.

So, one more time. One more question. And after that - change?

He'll see.

Comments

[latino_menace]

Ramon doesn't say anything else for a time, just concentrates on the sensation of the tip of his finger brushing over hair and skin, noting the way the muscles tense under his touch. They've always done that.

He tips his head eventually, so he can kiss the light fuzz below his belly button, feeling the warmth of him so close. And he knows, as always, that he can't do without this now. Not after so long of having it.

What cost of keeping it though? Right now, it's worth it whatever it is, to feel these arms around him.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Random, by the same token, knows too that so long as he comes home and does this afterwards he'll let Ramon leave him again and again and again and the thought sort of scares him so he pushes it out of his mind.

Why not? Better to concentrate on the sensations stirring, on the heat of Ramon's cheek against him, the light sensation of air caressing his skin.

[latino_menace]

He'll always come back. Hell, he never really leaves. Never would, if he has a choice.

Except he does, and he screws his eyes shut at the thought. Because no one makes him do stupid things and get locked away from his lover. He does that all by himself, and doesn't give it a second thought. There's been no one to stop him in his life before - but now there is. He just can't quite accept it yet.

He raises his head because he wants to do this properly and if he stays still much longer he'll just fall asleep where he lies. Comfortable, to do that lying here.

'Lie down with me.'

He takes his hand and kisses the palm, then pulls a little to encourage him. He wants to hold him back, talk to him, love him slowly.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Whatever you ask."

He slides lower, trailing his hands across Ramon's skin, clutching him gently as though he's something inestimably precious. Which he is, really.

"Love you."

He's really never meant it more.

[latino_menace]

He smiles ruefully and gently lays a kiss on his lips.

'I love you too.'

And then he lets his hands start making their way over his body, just touching and feeling the way he's put together, memorising it.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Every thin, rough inch of him. Every part, the sharp and the soft and hard and ragged. Every healed scar and every inch of skin. All of it is right there and imminent and trying to wrap itself urgently about Ramon and draw him close.

"I want you."

Just because he felt so close to loosing him.

[latino_menace]

Ramon's lips close over a nipple briefly, a light touch and then gone; teeth fasten on to a shoulder and then disappear, fingers brush down his stomach and then vanish.

But then he's kissing him properly, gently, taking his mouth with gentle insistence because if he wants him, he's got him, just like always.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Each touch tears another, different sound from him. Pleasure, satisfaction, want, each in turn, and Random's arms slide around his back and pull him close.


"I need you."

[latino_menace]

He moans quietly and his head drops to Random's shoulder for a brief moment. Words like that are ones he needs to hear. He reaches to the bedside cabinet for lube, then his hands find Random's body and start to try and move him.

'On your side.' Another brief kiss. 'Let me.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Yes, yes."

Whatever Ramon wants, whatever he can offer. Random slides easily, propping one foot flat on the bed to try to keep balanced.

"Don't hardly try this enough."

[latino_menace]

He wants to be able to hold him and talk to him, have plenty of skin to kiss. And be able to do it slowly, because that's important to him tonight.

Lube is made use of and then tossed, then Ramon's there, pushing against him, into him, nipping at his shoulder with a quiet moan as he takes him carefully.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

There, pushing against him, pulling long, thin moans from Random as pleasure soars and worries and fears and frustrations vanish. Tension drains from him, and he leans back, letting Ramon take him.

One hand reaches for Ramon's trying to draw it up to his lips to kiss his knuckles. Because he needs to kiss some, any part of him.

[latino_menace]

He lets him have what he wants - isn't that sort of what all this is about? But he moans too, into the back of his neck as he starts to move, rocking gently into him and arms pulling him tight back against his chest.

'You don't know how much I love you.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I do. I do. So much you can't breathe. So much you don't need to. So much there aren't words and every moment you're gone 's like I'm doing nothing but waiting for you to come back even if I don't know it."

His legs shift, tangling in the sheets, and he whispers the word against Ramon's palm, almost incomprehensible but meaning totally clear.

[latino_menace]

Ramon props himself up on one elbow, keeping Random tight against him while taking his leg and pulling it back behind his, making access to loving him easier. And his face closes off a little, a mixture of love because Random understands what he feels - and disappointment, because he's talking about him being away again.

Hid head fall to rest against the back of Random's shoulder and he moans quietly, unsure as to what to do now. He settles for moving closer, holding him tightly and bending to murmur in his ear.

'I can't stand being away from you. I can't stand that you hurt. If I could stop you ever hurting again, ever, I would.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He doesn't answer that, because his only thoughts are far too cruel

you could

to be spoken in bed like this and with Ramon burried inside him and slipping easily in and out of his body

if you just would

so he cries out, soft, because this isn't a time for jarring sounds nor pain nor anything. This is for love and the next time Ramon brushes him likethatohyes and tears a whimper from him, the thoughts are driven far, far away.

[latino_menace]

Random's lack of reply speaks volunes, just as the words had sounded lame to his own ears, however honestly they were meant.

...and isn't honesty supposed to be what this is about? He reminds himself of things he'd thought while walking, as he moves gently between Random's legs, licking over the warm skin at the back of his neck.

Honesty.

'I don't deserve this. I've done the wrong with you so often, haven't looked after you like I should have. Thought you were happy with me as I am but I can see it's not good enough.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He cries out again then, in furious denial of the belittling words

"You... stupid bastard."

His hand grabs tight to Ramon, and he pants the words out between thrusts.

"You're worth every fucking second of it. You're more than worth it. I'd go to the Ends of the Earth for you. I'm happier with you than I've been in thousands of years and that's bloody literally."

The words are a furious, passionate hiss and he isn't keeping track of what he's saying, just letting the pleasure pull benediction after blessing after curse out of him and riding it easily and praying to God he doesn't say anything stupid.

"I... mmmm ...I make mistakes and so do you and and it doesn't matter who makes them more often because I love you you stupid man. I want to keep you. If you weren't 'good enough' I would never have taken a chance on you. Wouldn't have stayed with you while you were hurting so badly you couldn't see. Wouldn't have fucking married you now, would I? If you ever say 'not good enough' to me again oh Holy Christ you will regret it. I'll make you walk around with me and see all our friends and how lonely they are and don't stop don't stop don't stop for God's sake."

About here he cuts himself off, dissolving into relieved and helpless and embarassed laughter.

Needed to be said.

[latino_menace]

Married.

He hadn't expected to hear that. It's never been said like that before, so openly, and it floors him, he loses his breath for a time. But doesn't stop moving, no, never stops that.

Arms curl tighter round the thin body he's making love to, and he idly manages to think that Random never fails to surprise him. But there are a few things he needs to get a little clearer, if he can.

He slows his rhythm to something like a snail's pace, head bowing to graze lips over his shoulder. And it's quiet, for a moment, for him at least. He just breathes and tries not to moan.

'First time I ever tasted you, it surprised me you know.'

His tongue lathes slowly over a patch of skin on his neck.

'So much magic. Never tasted anything like it before. I couldn't stay away from you, but I wanted to, at first. Couldn't though, I've never been able to.'

He doesn't know why Random doesn't see that he doesn't act in ways to hurt him, if he can help it. He never means to get put away.

'I don't want to be away from you now. Some things are out of control though, like you if you ever get called back to Amber. You'll go, because you don't have a choice. And I haven't had one either up 'til now. I don't choose to fight Random, it's just what I am. I don't know if I can change that.

But I love you. I don't want you to leave me, ever. Married you as well, you know?'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Shouldn't have asked you to."

He arches in his arms, or fights to, rather, and writhes against him because he needs to be faster.

"It's just hard. When it means you have to go. When it means I'm alone. I love you, you Ramon and Sanluin Salazar and I have for months now and that means the violence too but in the bar it hurts."

And then he has to stop talking because he's gasping in pleasure and he can't say more or they'll hurt again and he doesn't want it to hurt, his body feels too blissfully good for that.

[latino_menace]

There's a kiss to his shoulder, another to his neck, his cheek, a tug at his earlobe. All with the utmost care, soft tastes, just to taste again and marvel at how it's still new, this magic.

He moves over, bracing arms either side of his body and pulling Random down so his torso twists and he can look at his face. And then there are more touches with his lips as he moves so slowly; his chest, sternum, the hollow of his throat and a brief sucking on his adam's apple before they trail upwards, nipping at his jaw and eventually claiming his mouth. All done to try and convey the complete adoration, complete desire he has for him.

'I love you.'

Never enough. But he's trying to gear up to say what he wants to say, and trying not to lose himself in the feeling of Random's body around him.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

While Random, of course, is already happily lost and trying to stay that way because it's so easy to surrender completely to Ramon when he's being caring like this. So easy.

He doesn't say the words, he doesn't have to.

The touching, the heat, the flex of muscles and the tight coil of pleasure is more than enough.

More than enough.

[latino_menace]

Not for him, not tonight. He leans down so his mouth is next to Random's ear, trying not to gasp with the tension.

'Have I given enough for you? With what I turned down from Namo, with Martin, with avoiding your family...is it enough? Is there something else I should be doing? Tell me baby, I can't work it out.'

A thrust, a moan, eyes closed.

'You remember Christmas? You took me home - and then when I left and thought I might die, I gave you my favourite house. Not even to share, I gave it to you, so you'd always have somewhere safe. And I told you in that letter I wrote - I'll give you everything. Share everything with you. But you have to help me Random because I don't know how to give you this. I've been trying to think and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry - you have to tell me how, if you want me to change.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I don't want you to change" comes the hysterical plea, from Random who is unbalanced by lust and not really thinking at all and just answering with complete and blinding truth.

"I just want you to learn that you don't always have to fight. Not when you stand to loose me. That sometimes when someone calls you a name it's better to grit your teeth and come home and make love to me instead.

I only need you to try. That would be more than enough. Just to try, and only while you're there where they'll rip us apart if you let them.

Please, please, I love you, I do. I can't bear this."

Not the wrenching, burning pleasure of Ramon loving him and having to choke out these unhappy, petty words in the same moments. No, these things shouldn't touch eachother. He's answered all he can. All there is now is to writhe in Ramon's grasp.

[latino_menace]

He groans and pulls out of him, just for a moment so he can usher Random on to his back and spread his legs again, take him easily once more in a position where he can look at his face and let him see that he's being honest.

He's torn, because...don't always have to fight. Only there's never really been anything else.

Stand to lose me.

And that's it isn't it? It's what all this is about. His eyes screw up for a brief moment, then they open and they're unguarded, staring into Random's while he strokes through his hair and makes love to him as honestly as he knows how.

'Can't stand to lose you. Can't do without you.
you own me
I love you.'

He moves faster in him now because the tension is rising and he doesn't have it in him to draw it out tonight. He feels both ill and so so in love, he can hardly stand it.