latino_menace | OOM: A decision

It's cold now, after having been out here for an hour or two, he's lost track of the actual time. As always on Haven, there's no ambient noise or light. Only the moon reflecting off the lake, surrounded by almost eerie silence. He doesn't care. His thoughts would drown out any sound anyway.

This is hard for him and he feels like the stuffing's been knocked out of him. There's no fight there, for the first time since he was cursed. Because when it comes down to it, Dream had been right. Random had said as much. Even if he went ahead and did what he wanted to do with Narcissa, and he didn't lose Random over it - then there'd be someone else lining up soon enough. If there's anything that his time as a crime lord has shown him, it's that enemies don't go away. They're the most inevitable thing there is.

And he knows he's faced this before. Almost lost Random when he wanted to go and become immortal, the guy had got as far as packing his bags. Ramon couldn't bear to be without him then and he can't now.

So what's the solution? Do what Random wants, back down, let the woman win?

Change?

It's almost a dirty word, to him. He doesn't know how to, doesn't want to learn. But that's what he'd be doing, even if he only gave an inch to that bitch. And no matter how he looks at it, it seems to be inevitable.

Trust will be damaged if he gets locked up again. Could be anyone that puts him there, but he knows it'll happen. Already has twice in the last two weeks. How much more will Random stand?

And at the same time...curbing the instinct to fight back - he's never had to do it in his life. He's never had to control himself, has never answered to anyone for his actions. But that's what love is, right? Compromise. Doing as your partner wants. He'd thought he was doing pretty well with it, but obviously not. The thought of backing down from anyone is enough to make bile rise in his throat.

He raises a hand and scrubs it across his face, then stares out at the lake again. So tired. He knows he could think about this all night, but what's the point? When it comes down to it - he hasn't fought this long to keep Random with him, to go and throw it all away now.

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe he can go and ask him a simple question and all this will go away. It's possible - of course, if the answer's wrong then he'll be forced to implement the idea brewing at the back of his mind. That would be a whole different kettle of fish. But there's no point dwelling on it, because there's only one way to find out. And he intends to - he pushes away from the rock he'd been leaning against and lights a cigarette as he wanders back up to the house. He'll love him first, he thinks. If he's still allowed, after that argument. Hell, there's a possibility he'll never be allowed again, after tonight.

So, one more time. One more question. And after that - change?

He'll see.

Current Mood: depressed

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From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

Once he's on his back his eyes open again, and he stares up at Ramon and wraps legs around him to pull him in tight. Pull him in as close as possible and wrap arms around him and just hold on.

"Can't stand to loose you either.

That's why I'm scared."

Because he always wants him like this, in his bed, in his arms, inside him and almost touching his very being. And he never wants to loose him.

From:

latino_menace

Thrusts are becoming erratic, hard and frantic as he pulls him closer because he needs him, needs this so much.

'Never...ohGod...never lose me. Swear it.'

He just wants to ask him one last thing, but he needs to catch his breath before he can.

'Don't be scared, I'm here.'

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

His moan is almost a sob, and it tears through him and even those few words of reassurance are enough.

It doesn't matter if there was one more thing.

Random's universe, understanding, everything comes to and centers on that statement. He convulses in Ramon's arms, without warning because he hardly felt it himself and comes. With love.

Any questions can wait. Ramon loves him, Ramon will care for him, Ramon is here and on top of him and creating an agonizingly perfect moment.

"Love you."

From:

latino_menace

Ramon strains hard, feeling the wetness on his stomach and the tension in Random's muscles that mean he's finished. He groans again, unable to stop, unable to say anything at all as electricity suddenly shoots up the inside of his thighs, tightening everything unbearably until climax hits him.

His head gets thrown back and it's such a relief, feeling Random's body around him and letting him do this, being there for him always. If he could think at all right now, all decisions would be made. But he can't, right now he can do nothing but feel.

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"I love you."

Because it's important to say. So important.

His eyes are wide and honest and his hands come up to cup Ramon's face.

"Lover mine."

From:

latino_menace

He bends to kiss him gently, to put off the question - and because he wants to be close to him, of course.

'Can you give me a yes or no answer to a question please?'

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"Anything."

His eyes are heavy with satisfaction and adoration.

"Anything. Everything. You have my heart."

From:

latino_menace

He smiles a little sadly,
But not your trust
and pulls out of him, propping himself up on an elbow to one side.

'If I kill the woman, will you leave me?'

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

His smile, hope, the carefree laughter in his eyes simply fade.

"No. I will not leave you."

From:

latino_menace

And if I tried to drive you away, with hurtful words and drugs and prostitutes, you still wouldn't leave me. You told me that once.

If I get locked up for a year, you still won't leave me.

I've kissed women, and you've forgiven me. I've tortured and tried to kill and been cursed and tried to deny you your son, and you still won't leave me.

Don't deserve you.

He leans in once more, to press their lips together lightly. And then murmur against them, 'I won't touch her. For you.'

Inside, part of him curls up and screams. But it has to be done. He's not losing his lover, he's just not.

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"Oh God."

Overwhelming, shuddering and hysterical relief and gratitude pour through him and he wraps arms tight around him and legs too and just holds on for everything he's worth with his face burried in Ramon's shoulder.

"Oh God I don't deserve you."

From:

latino_menace

He collapses somewhat, holding on right back, clinging as tightly as he can.

Because it's gone beyond not touching the woman now. It's about behaviour in general, the way there's a constant likelihood that he'll be taken and locked up because he can't control his temper.

If it keeps happening, he'll lose him. He will. And he can't.

His mind is made up, even though it makes him want to break things in frustration. But he has to fix it or Random will be gone.

'No, you don't. You deserve better.'

I'll try and give it to you.

'Told you, I'll give you anything you want.'

Don't I always?

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"All I want is you."

It's true. When he says it, it's absolutely, perfectly true.

"No matter how you are, all I'll ever want is you. Just be careful for me and even if you can't always, well, it'll be enough."

From:

latino_menace

'You have me. I promise.'

Random's still holding on and he's fine with that, because then he doesn't have to look at his face. He's afraid the idea of what he's going to try and do might come through somehow, even though that's stupid.

So he just lets his head lie on his chest and holds on right back because this is what's important, right here.

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"If..."

He swallows. But it has to be said.

"If you ever have to. Have to. Then I will understand. I will help. But it can't be some woman Ramon. It has to be... something more than pride. I'll understand when the time comes."

From:

latino_menace

'You mean if there's a reason why someone needs to die and not just because I'm pissed off?'

That hurts to say. It's virtually an admission that his reasons for killing are generally something less than rational.

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"If there's a reason that merits however much time it'd be in the cells. If... someone you used to know. Who'd hurt... you know. What I mean."

He winces to hear it, too.

"I trust you. In this moment, I'm placing my trust in you, in this matter."

From:

latino_menace

In this moment? But no others?

He sighs into Random's chest. He doesn't want to be second guessing everything he says right now, he just can't seem to help it. This has shaken him - he thought Random trusted him more than this.

Only...not really. Because this isn't really a matter of trust. He just never thought Random would ask him not to do these things, thought he liked him as he was. And he does, he can accept that. It's just hard to be asked to curb such a basic part of himself - but the choice is his alone, and he's made it now.

'Won't let you down.'

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"Never doubted it."

He wraps his fingers through Ramon's hair.

"But baby... I'm really not asking you to change. Just to be careful when you walk through the bar doors."

From:

latino_menace

'I know.'

I will anyway. Otherwise no amount of 'being careful' will work. Beserker, remember?

'I never mean to hurt you, you know that right? Never plan on causing you pain.'

From:

underwater-owl.livejournal.com

"And I didn't mean to blackmail you."

He holds him tighter.

"I just needed to tell you that you would. Forgive me?"

From:

latino_menace

'Of course.'

Easily said, and done, in this case. He wants Random happy again. And he's glad he'll be spending a lot of time out of the bar soon, because at least he won't have to humiliate himself in front of anyone he cares about now.

He presses a kiss to his chest and pulls himself a bit closer, entwining their legs.

'So sorry.'