OOM: A decision

[latino_menace]

It's cold now, after having been out here for an hour or two, he's lost track of the actual time. As always on Haven, there's no ambient noise or light. Only the moon reflecting off the lake, surrounded by almost eerie silence. He doesn't care. His thoughts would drown out any sound anyway.

This is hard for him and he feels like the stuffing's been knocked out of him. There's no fight there, for the first time since he was cursed. Because when it comes down to it, Dream had been right. Random had said as much. Even if he went ahead and did what he wanted to do with Narcissa, and he didn't lose Random over it - then there'd be someone else lining up soon enough. If there's anything that his time as a crime lord has shown him, it's that enemies don't go away. They're the most inevitable thing there is.

And he knows he's faced this before. Almost lost Random when he wanted to go and become immortal, the guy had got as far as packing his bags. Ramon couldn't bear to be without him then and he can't now.

So what's the solution? Do what Random wants, back down, let the woman win?

Change?

It's almost a dirty word, to him. He doesn't know how to, doesn't want to learn. But that's what he'd be doing, even if he only gave an inch to that bitch. And no matter how he looks at it, it seems to be inevitable.

Trust will be damaged if he gets locked up again. Could be anyone that puts him there, but he knows it'll happen. Already has twice in the last two weeks. How much more will Random stand?

And at the same time...curbing the instinct to fight back - he's never had to do it in his life. He's never had to control himself, has never answered to anyone for his actions. But that's what love is, right? Compromise. Doing as your partner wants. He'd thought he was doing pretty well with it, but obviously not. The thought of backing down from anyone is enough to make bile rise in his throat.

He raises a hand and scrubs it across his face, then stares out at the lake again. So tired. He knows he could think about this all night, but what's the point? When it comes down to it - he hasn't fought this long to keep Random with him, to go and throw it all away now.

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe he can go and ask him a simple question and all this will go away. It's possible - of course, if the answer's wrong then he'll be forced to implement the idea brewing at the back of his mind. That would be a whole different kettle of fish. But there's no point dwelling on it, because there's only one way to find out. And he intends to - he pushes away from the rock he'd been leaning against and lights a cigarette as he wanders back up to the house. He'll love him first, he thinks. If he's still allowed, after that argument. Hell, there's a possibility he'll never be allowed again, after tonight.

So, one more time. One more question. And after that - change?

He'll see.

Comments

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"All I want is you."

It's true. When he says it, it's absolutely, perfectly true.

"No matter how you are, all I'll ever want is you. Just be careful for me and even if you can't always, well, it'll be enough."

[latino_menace]

'You have me. I promise.'

Random's still holding on and he's fine with that, because then he doesn't have to look at his face. He's afraid the idea of what he's going to try and do might come through somehow, even though that's stupid.

So he just lets his head lie on his chest and holds on right back because this is what's important, right here.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"If..."

He swallows. But it has to be said.

"If you ever have to. Have to. Then I will understand. I will help. But it can't be some woman Ramon. It has to be... something more than pride. I'll understand when the time comes."

[latino_menace]

'You mean if there's a reason why someone needs to die and not just because I'm pissed off?'

That hurts to say. It's virtually an admission that his reasons for killing are generally something less than rational.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"If there's a reason that merits however much time it'd be in the cells. If... someone you used to know. Who'd hurt... you know. What I mean."

He winces to hear it, too.

"I trust you. In this moment, I'm placing my trust in you, in this matter."

[latino_menace]

In this moment? But no others?

He sighs into Random's chest. He doesn't want to be second guessing everything he says right now, he just can't seem to help it. This has shaken him - he thought Random trusted him more than this.

Only...not really. Because this isn't really a matter of trust. He just never thought Random would ask him not to do these things, thought he liked him as he was. And he does, he can accept that. It's just hard to be asked to curb such a basic part of himself - but the choice is his alone, and he's made it now.

'Won't let you down.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Never doubted it."

He wraps his fingers through Ramon's hair.

"But baby... I'm really not asking you to change. Just to be careful when you walk through the bar doors."

[latino_menace]

'I know.'

I will anyway. Otherwise no amount of 'being careful' will work. Beserker, remember?

'I never mean to hurt you, you know that right? Never plan on causing you pain.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"And I didn't mean to blackmail you."

He holds him tighter.

"I just needed to tell you that you would. Forgive me?"

[latino_menace]

'Of course.'

Easily said, and done, in this case. He wants Random happy again. And he's glad he'll be spending a lot of time out of the bar soon, because at least he won't have to humiliate himself in front of anyone he cares about now.

He presses a kiss to his chest and pulls himself a bit closer, entwining their legs.

'So sorry.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Don't have to be."

Neither of them will ever blame the other.

They simply won't.

"Sleep with me?"

[latino_menace]

'Am anyway.'

He sighs again and moves off him so he can shift around to sleep if he wants to.

'Sleep, si. I'm tired.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Thank God."

He yawns, widely, then rolls to spoon with him.

"Afraid I'd..." a huge yawn "...pass out again without talking."

[latino_menace]

'I wouldn't have minded.'

He'd just wanted to tell him that he didn't have to worry any more. Now he's more than happy to be quiet.

An arm pulls him securely back against him and a kiss is dropped to his head.

'Love you. Night baby.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Gnight."

He sighs, and lets his breathing steady.

Things will be alright.