OOM: A decision

[latino_menace]

It's cold now, after having been out here for an hour or two, he's lost track of the actual time. As always on Haven, there's no ambient noise or light. Only the moon reflecting off the lake, surrounded by almost eerie silence. He doesn't care. His thoughts would drown out any sound anyway.

This is hard for him and he feels like the stuffing's been knocked out of him. There's no fight there, for the first time since he was cursed. Because when it comes down to it, Dream had been right. Random had said as much. Even if he went ahead and did what he wanted to do with Narcissa, and he didn't lose Random over it - then there'd be someone else lining up soon enough. If there's anything that his time as a crime lord has shown him, it's that enemies don't go away. They're the most inevitable thing there is.

And he knows he's faced this before. Almost lost Random when he wanted to go and become immortal, the guy had got as far as packing his bags. Ramon couldn't bear to be without him then and he can't now.

So what's the solution? Do what Random wants, back down, let the woman win?

Change?

It's almost a dirty word, to him. He doesn't know how to, doesn't want to learn. But that's what he'd be doing, even if he only gave an inch to that bitch. And no matter how he looks at it, it seems to be inevitable.

Trust will be damaged if he gets locked up again. Could be anyone that puts him there, but he knows it'll happen. Already has twice in the last two weeks. How much more will Random stand?

And at the same time...curbing the instinct to fight back - he's never had to do it in his life. He's never had to control himself, has never answered to anyone for his actions. But that's what love is, right? Compromise. Doing as your partner wants. He'd thought he was doing pretty well with it, but obviously not. The thought of backing down from anyone is enough to make bile rise in his throat.

He raises a hand and scrubs it across his face, then stares out at the lake again. So tired. He knows he could think about this all night, but what's the point? When it comes down to it - he hasn't fought this long to keep Random with him, to go and throw it all away now.

Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe he can go and ask him a simple question and all this will go away. It's possible - of course, if the answer's wrong then he'll be forced to implement the idea brewing at the back of his mind. That would be a whole different kettle of fish. But there's no point dwelling on it, because there's only one way to find out. And he intends to - he pushes away from the rock he'd been leaning against and lights a cigarette as he wanders back up to the house. He'll love him first, he thinks. If he's still allowed, after that argument. Hell, there's a possibility he'll never be allowed again, after tonight.

So, one more time. One more question. And after that - change?

He'll see.

Comments

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He'll be allowed. Random would never, will never, deny him that.

And not on tonight of all nights, lying in bed, cold and waiting for him. It might be futile, he knows, Ramon's stayed out later than this before, but still he waits.

His eyes will just be beginning to flutter as the front door opens.

[latino_menace]

He kind of hopes Random's asleep. Then at least he'd get to get into bed before having to talk and wake him up. And he wouldn't have to switch the light on to get undressed, could just creep in and wras arms around him and try to work out what the hell's gone wrong.

He doesn't seem to be moving as he enters the bedroom. Ramon heads for the bathroom without stopping, because he's chainsmoked for the last couple of hours and really needs to brush his teeth. And brace himself in case he's turned away, of course.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

When he passes through Random sits up in bed hopefully, and waits for him, silent and propped half upright against the pillows.

About now he is, of course, desperately wishing he had a cigarette of his own. But he'd probably set himself on fire so he makes no move to search for one.

[latino_menace]

He takes his time in the bathroom. Brushes the nicotine from his mouth and contemplates a shower because even though he had one a few hours ago, he's damn cold.

But in the end, he figures he'd rather just get this over with. He's not good at putting things off, too impulsive for that. And there's a few things he wants to tell Random too, a few things he wants to show him, in the best way he knows how.

It'll be a performance of sorts, if he's allowed. But a sincere one.

He undresses in the light, tosses clothes in the hamper, then switches it off before heading into the bedroom. He stops in his tracks when he sees Random sitting up and arms cross over his chest for a moment. Then he moves again, sliding under the quilt easily.

There's a momentary hesitation. But he has to start somewhere. And so, his head lowers slowly, until its resting on Random's stomach. He doesn't say anything, just waits to see if this is alright.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

More than alright. Random's hands come down and wind through Ramon's hair with not a little worry and with even more hope.

He doesn't break the silence, of course.

It's still Ramon's game, but Random's more than receptive.

[latino_menace]

His eyes fall shut in relief at the touch and he does nothing for a while, just glad that this is OK, so far. He's still trying to reconcile this in his head, the thought of trying to be someone else is a little uncomprehendable. But he puts it off for now, because it might not come to that yet.

A hand moves under the covers as he slowly warms, and he takes a few moments to just touch Random's thigh, feel the muscle and the lay of the skin, mapping it in silence as though he might not get to do it again.

'I'm sorry.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Thank you."

He swallows hard, twice, then closes his eyes too, holding Ramon tight to him in inestimable relief.

"So am I, for what it's worth."

The muscles of his leg tense pleasantly under the hand, aware, always so aware of contact, especially skin against naked skin under the sheets.

[latino_menace]

Ramon doesn't say anything else for a time, just concentrates on the sensation of the tip of his finger brushing over hair and skin, noting the way the muscles tense under his touch. They've always done that.

He tips his head eventually, so he can kiss the light fuzz below his belly button, feeling the warmth of him so close. And he knows, as always, that he can't do without this now. Not after so long of having it.

What cost of keeping it though? Right now, it's worth it whatever it is, to feel these arms around him.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Random, by the same token, knows too that so long as he comes home and does this afterwards he'll let Ramon leave him again and again and again and the thought sort of scares him so he pushes it out of his mind.

Why not? Better to concentrate on the sensations stirring, on the heat of Ramon's cheek against him, the light sensation of air caressing his skin.

[latino_menace]

He'll always come back. Hell, he never really leaves. Never would, if he has a choice.

Except he does, and he screws his eyes shut at the thought. Because no one makes him do stupid things and get locked away from his lover. He does that all by himself, and doesn't give it a second thought. There's been no one to stop him in his life before - but now there is. He just can't quite accept it yet.

He raises his head because he wants to do this properly and if he stays still much longer he'll just fall asleep where he lies. Comfortable, to do that lying here.

'Lie down with me.'

He takes his hand and kisses the palm, then pulls a little to encourage him. He wants to hold him back, talk to him, love him slowly.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Whatever you ask."

He slides lower, trailing his hands across Ramon's skin, clutching him gently as though he's something inestimably precious. Which he is, really.

"Love you."

He's really never meant it more.

[latino_menace]

He smiles ruefully and gently lays a kiss on his lips.

'I love you too.'

And then he lets his hands start making their way over his body, just touching and feeling the way he's put together, memorising it.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Every thin, rough inch of him. Every part, the sharp and the soft and hard and ragged. Every healed scar and every inch of skin. All of it is right there and imminent and trying to wrap itself urgently about Ramon and draw him close.

"I want you."

Just because he felt so close to loosing him.

[latino_menace]

Ramon's lips close over a nipple briefly, a light touch and then gone; teeth fasten on to a shoulder and then disappear, fingers brush down his stomach and then vanish.

But then he's kissing him properly, gently, taking his mouth with gentle insistence because if he wants him, he's got him, just like always.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Each touch tears another, different sound from him. Pleasure, satisfaction, want, each in turn, and Random's arms slide around his back and pull him close.


"I need you."

[latino_menace]

He moans quietly and his head drops to Random's shoulder for a brief moment. Words like that are ones he needs to hear. He reaches to the bedside cabinet for lube, then his hands find Random's body and start to try and move him.

'On your side.' Another brief kiss. 'Let me.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Yes, yes."

Whatever Ramon wants, whatever he can offer. Random slides easily, propping one foot flat on the bed to try to keep balanced.

"Don't hardly try this enough."

[latino_menace]

He wants to be able to hold him and talk to him, have plenty of skin to kiss. And be able to do it slowly, because that's important to him tonight.

Lube is made use of and then tossed, then Ramon's there, pushing against him, into him, nipping at his shoulder with a quiet moan as he takes him carefully.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

There, pushing against him, pulling long, thin moans from Random as pleasure soars and worries and fears and frustrations vanish. Tension drains from him, and he leans back, letting Ramon take him.

One hand reaches for Ramon's trying to draw it up to his lips to kiss his knuckles. Because he needs to kiss some, any part of him.

[latino_menace]

He lets him have what he wants - isn't that sort of what all this is about? But he moans too, into the back of his neck as he starts to move, rocking gently into him and arms pulling him tight back against his chest.

'You don't know how much I love you.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I do. I do. So much you can't breathe. So much you don't need to. So much there aren't words and every moment you're gone 's like I'm doing nothing but waiting for you to come back even if I don't know it."

His legs shift, tangling in the sheets, and he whispers the word against Ramon's palm, almost incomprehensible but meaning totally clear.

[latino_menace]

Ramon props himself up on one elbow, keeping Random tight against him while taking his leg and pulling it back behind his, making access to loving him easier. And his face closes off a little, a mixture of love because Random understands what he feels - and disappointment, because he's talking about him being away again.

Hid head fall to rest against the back of Random's shoulder and he moans quietly, unsure as to what to do now. He settles for moving closer, holding him tightly and bending to murmur in his ear.

'I can't stand being away from you. I can't stand that you hurt. If I could stop you ever hurting again, ever, I would.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He doesn't answer that, because his only thoughts are far too cruel

you could

to be spoken in bed like this and with Ramon burried inside him and slipping easily in and out of his body

if you just would

so he cries out, soft, because this isn't a time for jarring sounds nor pain nor anything. This is for love and the next time Ramon brushes him likethatohyes and tears a whimper from him, the thoughts are driven far, far away.

[latino_menace]

Random's lack of reply speaks volunes, just as the words had sounded lame to his own ears, however honestly they were meant.

...and isn't honesty supposed to be what this is about? He reminds himself of things he'd thought while walking, as he moves gently between Random's legs, licking over the warm skin at the back of his neck.

Honesty.

'I don't deserve this. I've done the wrong with you so often, haven't looked after you like I should have. Thought you were happy with me as I am but I can see it's not good enough.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He cries out again then, in furious denial of the belittling words

"You... stupid bastard."

His hand grabs tight to Ramon, and he pants the words out between thrusts.

"You're worth every fucking second of it. You're more than worth it. I'd go to the Ends of the Earth for you. I'm happier with you than I've been in thousands of years and that's bloody literally."

The words are a furious, passionate hiss and he isn't keeping track of what he's saying, just letting the pleasure pull benediction after blessing after curse out of him and riding it easily and praying to God he doesn't say anything stupid.

"I... mmmm ...I make mistakes and so do you and and it doesn't matter who makes them more often because I love you you stupid man. I want to keep you. If you weren't 'good enough' I would never have taken a chance on you. Wouldn't have stayed with you while you were hurting so badly you couldn't see. Wouldn't have fucking married you now, would I? If you ever say 'not good enough' to me again oh Holy Christ you will regret it. I'll make you walk around with me and see all our friends and how lonely they are and don't stop don't stop don't stop for God's sake."

About here he cuts himself off, dissolving into relieved and helpless and embarassed laughter.

Needed to be said.