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[latino_menace]

The sleep had been dreamless. Unfortunately, being awake brought everything back.

Ramon opens his eyes slowly, unwilling to come back to a realiy that hurts so much. There's a moment of panic when he realises that Random isn't there with him because he can't deal with the idea of being alone right now. He sits up...and sees him, sitting on the end of the bed, looking like he hasn't slept at all.

He still can't find any words. Not after last night. He just reaches a hand for him and hopes he won't be turned away.

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[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He takes Ramon's hand, finally letting his eyes close, and leaning forwards and collapsing onto him.

"Morning."

Except it's actually early afternoon, but all the same.

[latino_menace]

He says nothing, just holds him, running a hand slowly through his hair.
Can't go on like this. Either of us. All three of us...four even. Has to end, one way or the other.
He takes Random's face in his hands, kissing him, softly at first, then a little harder.

Thank you.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He returns the kiss, a gentle hand twining in Ramon's hair, motions vaguely desperate.

Tell me you're alright. Tell me I'm not going to loose you.

His eyes stay shut, desperate for anything to make this easier.

[latino_menace]

He'd say he was alright but it would be a lie, a big one. And he hasn't got the energy for it, not when Random knows the truth anyway.

His arms go round his body and he rolls him onto his back, still kissing him. He knows that Random has to sleep - addled though he is, he can see the signs of exhaustion quite clearly and is worried for him. But he just wants to hold onto him a little while longer.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He lets himself sink back in the mattress, relaxing slowly, accepting the kind distraction because otherwise he'll just scare himself.

But his fingers don't let go of Ramon's hair, and though there are lines on his face that hadn't been there before, he's smiling.

[latino_menace]

He feels relief at seeing the smile, because Random looking serious is always a cause for worry. A finger traces silently over the lines on his face, wishing them away but it doesn't work, they remain. He just hopes they're not permanent.
I'm so sorry for doing this to you, ama'idan, I love you...
He kisses him again, last night refusing to leave his mind. The darkness of that time when he just screamed into Random's shoulder is still there, he can feel it waiting for him and he doesn't want to go back. The kisses are almost desperate even though he tries to hold back for fear of worrying Random further.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

The element of desperation? He can feel it. He can almost taste it, he can sense it in every breath Ramon takes.

His arms reach around Ramon's back, pulling him closer and clenching in the fabric of his teeshirt. He's already gasping, near tears again and so tired.

[latino_menace]

He hates himself right now, hates himself for doing this when Random is tired and he's crazy, but he can't stop himself starting to unbutton his shirt, unable to think of anything but the need for something real, something he can touch, something that doesn't feel bad.
God I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I'm so sorry, I love you and I need this but I'm taking advantage and I'm so so so sorry...
His hand starts running down Random's chest, over his stomach even as tears prick his eyes and he kisses him again, hoping he won't see. And hating himself. God how he hates himself.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

No. No. Don't, Ramon, not for this.

He is crying, pulling the shirt off his shoulders and trying to pull Ramon's teeshirt over his head, lips fastening on Ramon's earlobe and and hands tugging him closer with a desperate strength.

"I love you."

[latino_menace]

The words make the first tears fall but he doesn't stop and can't speak. He just yanks his T-shirt off and starts tugging at Random's belt, easing his hand inside his jeans as soon as can get enough access.
Love you, so much, so much and I don't deserve this, do nothing but hurt you I'm so sorry, I need you...
He's aching for him, in more ways than just the physical, his mind frantically searching for something solid to cling on to. He kisses him harder, raw passion and need driving him on as his fingers press into his groin and then start sliding under his briefs, tugging them down and then closing round him, starting to pull at him gently, needing him but determined not to hurt.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He's kissing Ramon's face, wiping away tears and then, as his fingers press against him, arching hips into his touch.

And as a hand slides inside his briefs his head falls back. He arches under Ramon, and still tugging at his shoulders.

"Come on. Please. Please."

[latino_menace]

He can't hold off, there's just no way it's possible. He kneels up sudenly, new tears falling silently over the ones that have been kissed away, getting rid of Random's jeans and both their underwear. He looks down at him and his hand covers his mouth for a moment, hiding the way he's biting his lip to try and not break entirely.
I should be able to come up with a better way than this to make things right. Shouldn't take advantage like this. I'm sorry...
And his eyes don't move off his face as he reaches for the lubrication, covering himself liberally...a hand scrubs at his eyes for a moment in an attempt to clear his vision before he's leaning down again, fitting himself beteween Random's legs, bodies pressed together as he kisses him deeply and eases his way inside, unable to stop himself needing to be as close as possible.
Love you love you love you love you...

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou"

He's losing his breath, tears sliding down his temples, and trying so hard to show Ramon that he wants this, wants it more than anything and that he's not hurting him, not taking advantage, nothing.

"Love you."

[latino_menace]

Love you too, love you so much...

And he wishes he could say it but he can't even look him in the eye right now, he just buries his face in his neck as he moves, losing himself in Random's body, loving him in silence as the feeling of having him underneath him starts to bring him back a little, as pain is intruded on by pleasure.

But he can't stop the tears, not yet, and not as long as Random is still crying because I caused this damnit! First person I ever loved and I do nothing but hurt...

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

And he's still holding tight, trying to move with him and rocking into him, trying so much to show him it's alright.

That it's not hurting him, that Ramon isn't hurting him, isn't, no matter what he thinks, just helping and holding him like he'd begged for.

And even though he's crying, he's kissing Ramon again with a low moan.

[latino_menace]

He turns into the kiss, returning it with as much emotion as he can muster, while he slides his arms underneath Random so he can hold him closer.

Hearing the moan makes his eyes slide shut, passion finally starting to assert its hold properly and clear his mind of everything but the feel of Random's body. He kisses him again, pushing into him harder, wanting more, wanting them both to feel better and willing to do anything to make it happen.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He moans again, lower in his chest as he's pulled closer, so blessedly close.

"Love you love you don't let go please."

Quite mumblings lost in the kiss. But at the same time, it's perfectly clear what he means.

[latino_menace]

Better for you if I did...
Bastardo. Ramon, you might not be asking for forgiveness, but forgiveness does help.
But he's lost now, eyes closed as every movement feels so damn good, Random clinging on to him so close he can feel every beat of his heart, every breath he takes...
Then again, I can't speak for any of the people you tortured, mutilated and killed over your career. And I certainly can't speak for any of their families...
...a small sob chokes from the back of his throat before he can stifle it, but he manages a quiet 'Love you...' all the same.
That you've wound up here and are being given a second chance is enough to make me glad that I'm agnostic.
Does a second chance include falling in love? I'd give anything not to throw this away but I don't know if I can make it.

He finds the heartbeat in Random's neck and licks over it lightly, then sucks at the skin and he can't stop a moan at the taste of him. His skin is hot and his body is warm as he closes his lips on his neck, moaning in to the darkness he's starting to feel safe in.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

His breath is coming in harsh pants that are nearly sobs, and his head falls back against the pillows. He's shaking at the sucking on his throat.

Love you.

And now he's begging, in English and Spanish and other languages he's lost track of.

[latino_menace]

His lips slide up to Random's ear, wanting to tell him that he doesn't have to beg, he gets everything he wants, always...but there are still not words. So he just whispers 'Amarente...' and pushes into him faster, lifting his body so he can slide a hand between them and start pulling at his cock, wanting to feel him squirm in his arms and be able to feel it when he lets go.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He can't seem to stop babbling, and he can't breathe for it. He's writhing against him, shifting to accomodate Ramon's hands.

Because it's been so long, and he's so tired, and Ramon's on top of him and it's perfect and...

He comes with a choked cry, turning his face towards Ramon and kissing him because I love you.

[latino_menace]

His chest heaves as he feels Random coming, he kisses him back softly. But...he just can't.

He's close, so close. But he can't let go. The night before weighs back in his mind, the way he'd been so out of control...he can't get rid of it, and is afraid to lose his grip again.

So he slows and kisses Random again, hoping he won't notice as he starts to pull away.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"No."

And he holds tight, arms around Ramon's shoulders, legs twined with his.

"Please, Ramon."

For me.

[latino_menace]

He's still for a moment, not looking at him, his face sad. A long moment passes...and then his eyes fall closed, his head drops to Random's shoulder and he's moving again.
It's all about trust isn't it? If I hold on to you tight enough and then let go, you won't allow me to disappear...
He remembers being tied up, the way he'd known then that Random wouldn't take advantage. And this is the same thing...

...he's suddenly fully aware of how good this feels, to be making love to someone you trust. He finally lifts his head and looks him in the eye, strokes a hand through his hair...and yes, I can do this...

He's still quiet when he finally comes but it's no less intense for that. Muscles strain and he's biting his lip with the effort, there are still tears in his eyes. But the release brings relief and the knowledge that he's still sane, just about - and that's about all he can ask for.

For now though, Random is is primary concern. He kisses him with the last of his breath and whispers a quiet 'Thank you. I love you...' before moving to one side and pulling him close to him. 'You have to sleep Random. My turn to watch over you.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He can't possibly ignore a request like that, not when his eyes are already sliding shut and--

He's gone. Asleep with a small moan and a half hearted attempt at pulling Ramon close again, just too tired to put up a fight.

[latino_menace]

He holds him as close as he can, trying to ignore the fear that steals over him.

Because it's worse now. Something has changed after last night and he vaguely realises that he can't keep a grip on who he is at all. So Random sleeps in his arms and he stares at nothing, living two men's pain in a mind that is on the verge of completely shattering.