OOM: Home, at night

[latino_menace]

A few hours after this...

It's the middle of the night, not that Ramon's aware of it. He still sits in the chair, his neck at an awkward angle but totally oblivious.

The good thing about Atlantean, is that you're too passed out to dream. If he weren't so gone, he might have ones that he'd rather not have.

But as the night wears on, he does shift a little. He hadn't managed to ingest that much.

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[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Hands slide under his knees. An arm goes around his back.

Without preamble, he's lifted and carried to the bed, set on it with infinite care, and his temple is kissed softly.

Random's up with nightmares. He probably didn't realize Ramon was conscious too.

[latino_menace]

His eyes flicker open at the kiss, though he'd been aware of movement too. Somehow, it had felt too comforting to pull away from.

He stares into the darkness for a long time. He doesn't have a headache from the alcohol and wonders whether that's more to do with still being drunk, or just that he's not in the right frame of mind for alcohol to take a proper hold.

He feels better really. Just to have had some time to process, it's helped. A little distance from everything - he's just sorry that Random had to see it. And sorry that he still can't let himself think about the two of them being the way they were. Because if he does, he wont be able to hold anything back.

It doesn't mean he won't tell him what happened. Just that he doesn't want to fall apart. He also doesn't want Random to hurt...he reaches for his hand in the darkness, fumbling to find it and thinking that hopefully it'll help. Both of them.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

His hand is found.

Because Random was searching too. Always searching for him. His voice is a muted whisper in the darkness.

"Please don't forget me. I'm here for you, I waited for you, I have you here and safe and I couldn't bear it if you didn't want me any more. I beg it of you, beg you, please know me. Remember me."

Know me, remember me is repeated, once, twice, again, a muffled mantra as Random's hand tightens.

[latino_menace]

He grips the hand and stares at nothing. He wants to say everything, just spill out that of course he'll never forget him and how could he? And that he loves him and he's sorry for this but he doesn't know what to do or where to begin.

'I do want you.'

Pause.

Long pause. The silence reminds him of how quiet it was after he put a bullet through his brothers heart.

'I killed Hector.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Baby."


He climbs up, instantly dashing away tears and holding on tight and kissing his jaw.

"Oh baby, I'm sorry. Are you okay? What do you want me to do?"

[latino_menace]

'Ow. Random, dont. Please. It hurts.'

He means physically but could, of course, be talking about other things as well. Not that he'd admit it.

He shifts so that the weight isn't on his torso.

'There's nothing you can do. He's dead.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Sorry."

He takes his own weight on his knees, pulling at clothes and trying to get down to reach skin to just touch.

"Sorry, I'll be more careful. Do you want to talk? To touch? Should I... I don't know. Oh, lover."

[latino_menace]

He doesn't make a move to help him get clothes off but doesn't stop him either. He just talks, as if to himself, reliving the scene in his mind.

'I shot him in the back. We disagreed. He would have ruined the business. He walked away from me and I shot him in the back.'

He's never been adverse to fighting dirty. But his own brother? In the back?

'But he wasn't dead. He said my name and I wouldn't let them take him to a hospital because they'd ask questions. And then I shot him in the heart.'

It's said in a monotone, like he's not letting any emotion into it and not letting himself think about it at all. Which he isn't - he's just saying the words because then at least Random will know it's not him that's making him like this.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Lover."

He knows.

He drops to the side, letting his head come to rest on his shoulder and closing his eyes with a sigh.

"I'm here for you. Forever and always. Keep going."

[latino_menace]

The words have dried up. He doesn't know what else to say.

'And then nothing. I left him there on the floor and walked out and was in the bar.'

He can't get over the timing of it. Couldn't it have least let him finsh the deal? He'd get angry if he could muster his thoughts enough to do so.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"And then I grabbed you."

He just breathes with him, for a minute.

"You have to wait to be unbound to finish it. Maybe that's a good thing, lover mine? It's not going to change while you stay with me."

[latino_menace]

'A good thing? The biggest deal of my life and I just murdered my brother and it drags me away a few minutes before it's all supposed to happen.' Beat. 'No, I don't think it's a good thing.'

He continues to stare at nothing. And after a minute or so, he releases Random's hand and stands, shedding the clothes that have partially been removed already, leaving only his boxers. Then he climbs back into bed and lies with his back to Random.

'Going to sleep.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

There's a fainter echo of the sound made earlier, the off-key, unintelligible 'don't mind me' noise.

Random doesn't close his eyes until much later.

He doesn't dream peacefully.

[latino_menace]

It had taken a while to drop off and when he does, it's a fitful doze, nothing more. The night seems to be dragging on forever and whenever he closes his eyes, he's back in Mexico where it's hot and dusty and Hector is walking away and he's shooting him again and again, the sound of the final gunshot echoes endlessly in his mind.

His eyes snap open but he makes no other movement. He's not sure if he was even asleep at all.

He hears Random breathing behind him and closes his eyes again, trying to forget about it all. But there's no more sleep coming, he can tell by the way his eyelids refuse to stay closed. And in the end he turns over quietly, eyeing Random in the dark but making no noise.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

His face is visible. The moon on haven is bright, there's no light nor cloud to block the atmosphere. It shines silver across his features that look so much older. It's only been days, but he's wearing years.

He's been crying, too.

[latino_menace]

He looks at him for a long time, lying there like that. He can see the sadness on his face...and still can't trust himself to let go the self-imposed barriers.

But he does want to touch him. It hadn't occured to him earlier but now, here in bed - it's been a month and a half. And there's a faint voice, telling him that it'll be a good distraction, with the added bonus of hopefully making Random feel better.

He reaches out and carefully, without touching skin, unbuttons the rest of his shirt. It falls open and he just looks at the skin, trying to remember what it feels like under his lips. There's the fleeting thought that he should probably wake him up before touching him, given that things aren't exactly normal...but that might mean talking.

So he leans over and presses lightly against his jean clad thigh, lowers his mouth to his neck and just starts kissing it lightly. Lightly at first anyway. It gets a little more insistent after the first few, because he's remembering that Random tastes good.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He whimpers in his sleep, and pushes back through memory, habit, love and because it feels nice to have back what was gone.

Even if he's sure he's dreaming.

[latino_menace]

Ramon pushes against him a little harder because it doesn't take much to get him going, not after this long without.

'C'mon Random. Wake up.' It's murmured against his throat, in between more kisses.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

His eyes flutter open.

Ramon doesn't vanish.

For that, and that alone, arms wrap tight around him and Random pushes again with the one leg, still trying to get his bearings.

"Lover?"

[latino_menace]

He pushes harder, more a thrust than anything, his arousal evident. It's not exactly a nice push, there's little of the usual care. More desperate than anything. But to him, touch is good.

'C'mon. Been six weeks.'

He kisses him hard, hoping it'll make everything better.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

There's another whimper, and Random pushes forwards.

Ramon needs him and he'd said he'd be there, so here he is.

"...undressed."

[latino_menace]

The push gets a growl, hungry and desperate suddenly. His hand flies to the button of his jeans as he tugs insistently on Random's bottom lip.

Part of his mind is rebelling at this. He knows full well it's physical rather than emotional but he just can't seem to stop himself. ANd he won't listen to it because fuck it, why should he? It's been six weeks and Random's his lover, right?

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

His lover who's now getting scared.

Ramon had told him to promise to stop him. Random's voice remains steady:



"Please, baby. 'm tired. You're not being... you're tired too. I can suck you if you like but 'm too tired for actual... How long have you been? Let me use my mouth on you, make you feel warm."

[latino_menace]

He pauses, breathing hard.

'I'm not being what?'

You're being an asshole.

He banishes the thought. 'Because I want you? It's been six fucking weeks.'

He's not a prison bitch, you fucking asshole.

There's a long moment where mental battles with physical. And then he rolls off him and stares at the ceiling, trying to steady his breathing.

'Forget it.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"No, baby, don't be angry."

But he doesn't reach for him.

"I want you. I love you. If you need it, I'm here, but be gentle. Be kind. I'm small and I'm yours but I'm not built for anything terribly rough. Not when I'm this tired."

But I think you need to remember you love me before I can let you do that.

[latino_menace]

'Wasn't being rough.'

Liar. He knows it too.

He sits up and swings his legs out so he's sitting on the edge of the bed. There's a long moment when he doesn't move, then he reaches for a cigarette.

'I don't need it. it's fine. I'm not angry.'

Cursing himself for being stupid, yes. But not angry.

'Sorry.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He doesn't move to sit up. But he does make the soft request of "Turn on the lights." Random's not going to let Ramon pull away.

"I'm sorry too. Turn on the light, baby."

[latino_menace]

Why?

He doesn't want to look him in the eye right now. He can feel his expression burning in to his back and he hates it.

But he turns it on anyway. Thinks it doesn't matter, as long as he doesn't look round again. He keeps his back to him as he sits and just smokes quietly.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Random clambers across the bed, sliding carefully around and wrapping legs around his waist, arms around his shoulders, and stealing the cigarette with a weak smile.

"You're going to be alright. Kiss me?"

[latino_menace]

He doesn't try and hold him back, other than a steadying hand on his hip. He also doesn't look at him because...part of him is ashamed of that. And part of him still wants to have him, taking him hard with his body pinned underneath him.

Because that's what happens where he comes from. That's the way Ramon Salazar has always fucked people.

He blinks and looks at the floor, then mumbles,

'I'm sorry.'

And half of him hates himself for apologising too.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to be. This is how things are."

He presses forwards, stealing one long, careful, adamently gentle kiss. He's strong, strong, and loving, and not going to be pinned nor taken. All that's happening tonight is the gentlest of kisses.

"I haven't told you, for you, in weeks, how much I love you, you realize? I do. Shift back on the bed, let me take care of you, lovely thing. Life got away with you for an instant but we are safe and together."

[latino_menace]

He allows the kiss because he knows it'll hurt him if he pulls away. And anyway, it's nice. Nicer than he wants to feel in fact, but that's a pleasant side effect in the end.

He shifts back as instructed, not talking and just looking...sad. because he'd thought he was over forcing himself on people and if Random hadn't said anything when he did and let it carry on a bit longer, he's not sure he would have been able to stop.

Thinking of the possible outcomes of that is enough to make his blood run cold in his veins.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

He moves forwards with him, kissing him again and pushing him back down onto the bed, tracing the pads of his fingers over lines on his face.

"I don't have any way to understand what you've been through."

His mouth slips sideways, touching to Ramon's jaw, words coming out gently against his skin.

"I don't have any way to know what mourning family that close is like."

No one brother of his has he ever shed a tear for. Not even one.

"But I'm here for you and I love you, and no matter how you feel, you'll have me. Now hush, let me be with you for just a minute. There are things we need to remember."

[latino_menace]

He battles the desire to roll over and make Random go with him, to pin him down and finish what had started this. But he doesn't, just lets Random kiss him and touch him, because it's nice and anyway, he's still scared of what could have happened.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

Random does it for him, pulling him back, down, curling to his chest and keeping him close. Close.

"I'm so very much in love with you. Hold me close?"

[latino_menace]

His arms go round him on reflex, something he hadn't known he'd remembered but his body obviously does. So yes, he holds him close and it helps. He doesn't say anything but feels some of the tension leave him, seeping out of his muscles and dissapating in the air around them.

For the first time since he walked back through the door, he feels like he might actually be able to do this.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Better, isn't it?"

He kisses the closest bit of skin.

And again, because he can't do it often enough. He's there for him, as much as he needs him.

"Gonna sleep with me?"

[latino_menace]

'Mmmm.' It's a noncommital noise but it does mean, 'Yes, better.' And the strokes once down Random's back and just says,

'Yeah. Sleep,' before reaching up to flick the light off on the bedside table.

If he's honest with himself, part of the touching is so that Random won't question him on anything and because he knows it'll make him feel better just to be held. The other part of him acknowledges that it feels nice too, and he does enjoy it as well.

'I am sorry.' He knows he doesn't sound it. But he is.

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"I know you are."

He understands, just a little better now that he knows what's happening. What happened to him. What he'd had to do.

"If you wake up, shake me? Important."

He squirms closer, till he can set his head on Ramon's shoulder, sighing out and breathing in his scent gently.

[latino_menace]

This is a sleeping position that he'll never forget, it's been ingrained for over six months now. The familiarity pulls him back to a time when he didn't feel the way he does tonight, and he's thankful for that.

'Alright.'

He doesn't know why it would be important but doesn't want to ask. He just shuts his eyes and tries not to think.

'Night.'

[underwater-owl.livejournal.com]

"Night."

He sighs again, stifles a yawn, then yawns fully as he begins to drift off.

Sleep is better this time. More comfortable.

Everything is, with Ramon holding him again.