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latino_menace...you wake up and like most people, you think of nothing for a few seconds while the world becomes real again. You move and your shoulder hurts and then you remember.
It's back, you can have it back...
You get up and shower and you do this every day and more, three times a day sometimes and no one has ever had the nerve to tell you that it's a bit OCD and what are you trying to clean off anyway? And it doesn't matter because it never occurs to you that it's weird.
Sometimes there is cocaine with your breakfast coffee, like today, for example. It's the first time in a week or more because natural euphoria has kept you away from it but you feel tired today and icky and your head aches because you started drinking again yesterday. Or the day before. One of the two. There was celebrating before that too but that's celebrating and doesn't count. Yesterday (the day before/two days before) was because the ache was back and you crashed because you remembered that it had never really gone.
You remembered when she was in your room. You laugh and drink and fuck and then, at some point, afterwards, you wake up in the night and your eyes fall on the pictures that are still face-down and that damn orange shirt in the corner that you can't put away, and you remember. Then you drink and fuck some more because you know what? The life you got back still isn't complete and the only thing that will fix it is something that isn't here and in the meantime all you can do is tread water and fill the time and go back to work and laugh and kill and terrorize and it's all you ever wanted (before) and you don't know when it changed and y'know, it might be fun but that doesn't make it right.
You try to remember a time when you could wake up with impunity, and can't.
* * * * *
Ramon sits quietly in his room, eyes closed and head swimming, leaning back against the wall for an anchor. The stone Inari gave him ('...three wishes...') turns idly in his fingers and he almost stops it, almost, so many times. He wishes he could. It would be so much easier. But regardless of what some people may think, regardless of the evidence in some past actions, he does remember. He does.
'What will you do when you find him?'
'It's up to him.
...he's not my property to control.'
He won't make a wish to see him. He wants to but he won't. In his head, he's wondering whether a wish to erase all memories of him might not be the best course of action...but he'll never do that either. Sometimes, things that hurt are the things you hold on to most.
* * * * *
...some days you dream of wishes. Some days you wish to forget. And days like today, the only thing to hope for is a quiet room and a bottle with no end, until you can sleep again.
