OOM: No decisions

[latino_menace]

Forty years since he was last at this house. He can’t really believe that it’s still this familiar, but it really is. Nothing has seemed to change and he quite likes that. It seems respectful somehow – his uncle Raul had been a mentor to him and this had ended up his house. He’s thinking about buying it actually – one of his cousins owns it now but they can go to hell. Raul had grown up in Columbia, a cartel man through and through, and his kids are all over there. They don’t need this house.

It’s irrelevant though. He’ll check whether Random likes the idea first. For now he just walks out of the kitchen and down the winding path through a garden in gorgeous bloom, to the back gate which opens out on to the beach. Shoes get discarded, jeans rolled up to mid-calf and the shirt comes off to hang on the fence. It is too hot for clothes and he wants to take a long walk and make a decision about what to do.

He heads for the edge of the waves, preferring the support of wet, packed sand to the loose dry stuff higher up the beach. There’s not a cloud to be seen and the only people are at least a few miles away, just specks on the sand that curves round the large inlet of water. He’s not going to go near them, he has no desire to talk to anyone. Instead, he just lights a cigarette and stares out over the ocean.

Random wants a baby. It might even be easier, he thinks, if it was just an adoption of some unwanted kid. Then, at least, there would be balance between the two of them. Not that he’d ever say yes to it, but that’s not the point. Random wants his baby. Which means, no matter what way you look at it, that there’ll be two Amberites, joined by blood forever - and one mortal, the lover that the adult Martin already hates and he’ll probably rejoice to watch him die. He’ll become an intruder in his own home because what could he bring to this strange threesome? He’s just a man, albeit one that’ll last a long time.

Be logical. You know he loves you. He says that won’t change – but he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know what bringing up a kid will do to us. We’ll have no time, no matter what he says. Everything takes second place to a kid if you’re actively involved in raising one.

He’s only ever done it once. Seven kids but only one that he ever really took an interest in. But again, it’s irrelevant apart from the fact that he acknowledges how much the things can take over if you let them. And he’d promised himself that he’d never let that happen again. Ever. And if the rest of his own kids didn’t get it, then why would Random’s boy?

Martin as an adult…well, he’d cheerfully throttle him and then shoot him in the head for good measure, just to make sure he’s dead. Not that he’ll ever lay a finger on him but only out of respect and love for Random. As a baby though? One that makes Random happy, day to day? He has no idea whether he’ll be able to stay impartial. He thinks so – but also has an idea of what that’ll do to his lover, and it’s not pretty.

It doesn’t matter. I’m not saying yes to this! It’s fucking crazy.

He walks a bit more, trying to put it all out of his head. But it won’t go away because…damnit, it’s just not that simple, and he knows it.

He’ll resent me for saying no. He says he won’t, but he will eventually. If he has to wait six hundred years he’ll hate it so much, things will change anyway. It won’t be like it is now. But if I give in and say yes, things will be different anyway. And different tin a major way - everything will be turned upside down.

But only for eighteen years. Random will be happy and it’s not like I haven’t got time. Too much time.

He banishes the errant thought because he doesn’t want to go there. There’s been something nagging at him since this idea was first broached, something he’d absolutely refused to think about. It’s bothered him for a while now if truth be told – but Random’s plan with Martin creates a solution - and that’s why he doesn’t want to go there.

It’s so hot here, the sun beats down incessantly and he can feel himself baking. It’s nice though, he likes to tan. And the breeze is pleasant, the noise of the ocean is relaxing – it keeps him somewhat calm although he’d like nothing more than to be able to get worked up and blow off steam with a good vent. But he won’t. Random would be on the receiving end, no doubt, and he doesn’t deserve that.

Bottom line Random – I don’t like kids. They need constant attention. They get in the way. They’re loud and tie you down – it wasn’t so much a problem with most of mine, I had people to do it for me even after their mother died. But you want to do it yourself – and I know you well enough to know that you’d like it to be us doing it. And I can’t give you that, kids piss me off too much.

He tries to weigh advantages against disadvantages – the main advantage being that Random would be happy. There’d be no long-term worrying or resentment, no stressing, no more tearful and drunken entrances from the bar after his latest fight with his son. He’d be able to fix whatever it was he thinks was wrong and that’s a good thing, right?

Use logic Salazar. Think about this. Forget all the other shit, it’s not important.

So yes. A happy Random is a good thing. Martin’s wellbeing doesn’t come into it but he’ll do a lot to make his lover happy. But…this? It’s a lot to ask. He thinks he needs a little more incentive…and the problem is, he’s got it.

Ramon stops walking and stares over the water for a long moment. Then he moves up to the drier sand and sits down, lighting another cigarette off the end of the first and relaxing in the sun, as much as he’s able to relax anyway.

Arithon had told him that the five hundred years he’s going to get – they don’t count down when he’s in the bar. It’s been on his mind since he was told but he’s resolutely tried not to think about it and he certainly hasn’t told Random. Because…hell, this puts him in exactly the same situation he was in when Namo offered to make him immortal. Because if most of his time is spent either in the bar or in Haven…then there’s no need for him to die at all. He doesn’t age on Haven and the bar won’t count down his life, just as it doesn’t Arithon’s. So as long as he lives there a lot of the time, he and Random really could get eternity.

But just as when Namo offered it to him – he can’t take it. Because Random will have to leave at some point to go impregnate Martin’s mother. If he doesn’t agree to the child being taken now, then the same thing will occur as happened before…Martin will throw a fit about never getting born, or complain about his little fantasy revolving around his mother and father having been in love when he was conceived being ruined – and Random will cry and he won’t be able to take the five hundred years. He’ll have to condemn himself to death again, because the kid won’t get born otherwise. Or won’t be happy or something.

But if Martin grows up with Random now? Well at least he’ll know he was loved by one of his parents, which is what Random wants for him. And then it’ll just be a case of letting Random go to find the woman at the right time, getting her pregnant and then picking up the child later on. As much as the thought of Random being with anyone else kills him, it’s a small price to pay to get him for forever afterwards.

He lies back in the sand, smoking and staring up at the sky. He doesn’t want Random to touch anyone else. He doesn’t ever want Random to touch anyone else. But it’s going to happen, it has to. If the wars with Arithon don’t kill him and he spends enough time on Haven or in the bar, then he will be alive to see the day that Random leaves to go and get Martin’s mother pregnant. The thought is enough to make his insides twist horribly – but it’s inevitable. Just as, at some point, he’s sure that he’d have to leave for years at a time to go and fight because if Random has a kid, there’s no way that he’ll be able to come with him and Arithon.

There’s a lot of separation in our future Random, if we do this. And necessary infidelity, which hurts just to think about. You’re sure it’s worth it? You could just as easily bring him up when we get to it, years and years from now.

But that means, now that he’s had this thought, that not only will Random spend six hundred years stressing about his son, but he’ll spend six hundred years stressing about Random leaving to be with the boy’s mother.

Is it worth it, to get the whole thing over with? And then we’ll have forever. Random will be so happy – but Christ, it’s complicated. Even more than I thought.

He sits up and contemplates the water for a while, trying to work out what’s best. Safer, almost, to get it all out of the way now. But not as well. If things are going to be turned upside down, why not do it once, properly, and get it done?

But God. Ouch. He doesn’t know. And there’s no time limit on a decision, right?

Why am I even contemplating this?

Because he loves Random, and wants him to be happy. Because otherwise, he might have to turn down his five hundred years. Because almost six hundred years of knowing that Random’s going to have to leave to sleep with a woman to get a baby Ramon doesn’t even want him to have…that will be bad. And Random having almost six hundred years of worrying about his son – also bad.

He sighs again and stands up, walking on across the sand. No need to make a decision yet. But somehow, he feels like his ‘No!’ when it comes to getting the baby – well, it just got a whole lot weaker.