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Oh Christ, what did I just do...? I just asked Random if he wanted to move in with me...holy shit!
There's silence and all he can think is He'll walk away now. That was too much to ask, too soon after Arithon.
And the sense of loss is enough to make him reel. He's had all this time on his own to think recently and has been forced to look inside, however much he's tried to avoid it. And the thing is - he's pretty sure he's in love. The only reason he's unsure is because he's got nothing to compare it to...but he feels happier when Random's around, enjoys just talking with him, loves it when they're just lying in bed and it's quiet and they're falling asleep together. And the thought of not having it anymore - well, he'd told himself he didn't care the night he was put in this cell. But he was lying even then, it had managed to penetrate the anger. Watching him walk away had hurt.
I can't believe he came back. And he's not going to want to be around me that much, not this soon. I'm hardly going to be the best company and I don't even know what it'll be like to have people near me again...
...but if I have to have people around me, I want it to be him. Whenever we can.
And hell, he lives in this Texorami place now. He might not even be here that much. I might only see him once a week or something, maybe not even that. And it'll give him a good excuse to not be around me...maybe one day he'll just disappear and not come back. That might be the best way, who knows.
Oh fuck, I'm getting ahead of myself. He's going to say no. It doesn't matter. I was fine without him before, I'll be fine afterwards.
Fucking liar. I want him. Don't want to let him go. Shouldn't have asked this of him, I've ruined it now. I love him. I hate that I do, but that doesn't seem to matter, I still can't help it...
So he steels himself, because he knows Random is going to walk away again. He knows it. And he's angry that he can't even make a move to stop him but its just not in him at the moment. All he can do is wait and accept it and deal with it later.
There's silence and all he can think is He'll walk away now. That was too much to ask, too soon after Arithon.
And the sense of loss is enough to make him reel. He's had all this time on his own to think recently and has been forced to look inside, however much he's tried to avoid it. And the thing is - he's pretty sure he's in love. The only reason he's unsure is because he's got nothing to compare it to...but he feels happier when Random's around, enjoys just talking with him, loves it when they're just lying in bed and it's quiet and they're falling asleep together. And the thought of not having it anymore - well, he'd told himself he didn't care the night he was put in this cell. But he was lying even then, it had managed to penetrate the anger. Watching him walk away had hurt.
I can't believe he came back. And he's not going to want to be around me that much, not this soon. I'm hardly going to be the best company and I don't even know what it'll be like to have people near me again...
...but if I have to have people around me, I want it to be him. Whenever we can.
And hell, he lives in this Texorami place now. He might not even be here that much. I might only see him once a week or something, maybe not even that. And it'll give him a good excuse to not be around me...maybe one day he'll just disappear and not come back. That might be the best way, who knows.
Oh fuck, I'm getting ahead of myself. He's going to say no. It doesn't matter. I was fine without him before, I'll be fine afterwards.
Fucking liar. I want him. Don't want to let him go. Shouldn't have asked this of him, I've ruined it now. I love him. I hate that I do, but that doesn't seem to matter, I still can't help it...
So he steels himself, because he knows Random is going to walk away again. He knows it. And he's angry that he can't even make a move to stop him but its just not in him at the moment. All he can do is wait and accept it and deal with it later.
