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Aug. 4th, 2005 12:29 pmMillitimed to the morning after this, where Ramon finds out about Castle hitting Random.
He's in his room, moodily thinking. He's concerned about his desire to hurt Lee - not because of guilt but because he's worried about his motivation for doing so. In some ways its easy - he doesn't need a reason to hurt anyone after all. And he's been wanting to knock Castle's teeth out since the first time he met him, when he was eighty years old. So that was no problem.
But the Random aspect complicates things a little - because part of him wants to pay Castle a visit in retribution for his hitting Random. And that means it can be construed that he's doing it because he's sticking up for the man he's sleeping with...and does that means he cares?
He sighs. It's been a long time since he thought like that about anyone. About thirty years in fact. He's stuck up for Hector in the past, because he's blood and in his world, thats what you do. You have to present a united front to enemies. But in private, he's often thought that Hector isn't much use - sometimes more a liability than anything else. So the protection never came out of emotion, it was for business purposes only.
He knows he's a cold man. Has always relished it, seen it as proof of his strength. And he doesn't know what he thinks about Random - he can admit that he likes him. That's no problem. But liking fucking someone and hanging out with them is different to caring about them. And he's afraid that defending him to Castle will send the wrong message. Or the right one. He doesn't know.
Of course, there's another factor. He hasn't had cause to fight since being free of Arithon's enchantment. Part of him is worried that he's going to suffer a relapse of some sort, and feel bad about it afterwards. The memory of that pain is still with him and he's got no wish to revisit it. But if I don't, I'll always wonder and then I might lose myself entirely. What's that saying about getting straight back on a horse after you've fallen? That's what I need to do here. Can't get scared of things.
And thats a reason he can live with. He doesn't think Random will make an issue out of why he's done it and its not really that important in the end. But he needs to know. He has to get rid of the doubts or he wont be Ramon Salazar anymore. And that's worse than any death.
He's in his room, moodily thinking. He's concerned about his desire to hurt Lee - not because of guilt but because he's worried about his motivation for doing so. In some ways its easy - he doesn't need a reason to hurt anyone after all. And he's been wanting to knock Castle's teeth out since the first time he met him, when he was eighty years old. So that was no problem.
But the Random aspect complicates things a little - because part of him wants to pay Castle a visit in retribution for his hitting Random. And that means it can be construed that he's doing it because he's sticking up for the man he's sleeping with...and does that means he cares?
He sighs. It's been a long time since he thought like that about anyone. About thirty years in fact. He's stuck up for Hector in the past, because he's blood and in his world, thats what you do. You have to present a united front to enemies. But in private, he's often thought that Hector isn't much use - sometimes more a liability than anything else. So the protection never came out of emotion, it was for business purposes only.
He knows he's a cold man. Has always relished it, seen it as proof of his strength. And he doesn't know what he thinks about Random - he can admit that he likes him. That's no problem. But liking fucking someone and hanging out with them is different to caring about them. And he's afraid that defending him to Castle will send the wrong message. Or the right one. He doesn't know.
Of course, there's another factor. He hasn't had cause to fight since being free of Arithon's enchantment. Part of him is worried that he's going to suffer a relapse of some sort, and feel bad about it afterwards. The memory of that pain is still with him and he's got no wish to revisit it. But if I don't, I'll always wonder and then I might lose myself entirely. What's that saying about getting straight back on a horse after you've fallen? That's what I need to do here. Can't get scared of things.
And thats a reason he can live with. He doesn't think Random will make an issue out of why he's done it and its not really that important in the end. But he needs to know. He has to get rid of the doubts or he wont be Ramon Salazar anymore. And that's worse than any death.
