Up or down today?
He doesn't drink while Martin's awake. Drugs are different though, some of them actually stimulate the brain so he doesn't worry about taking them when the kid's around. The possibility of error in judgement is, of course, ignored.
It was a long night last night. Oblivion didn't come early and the run up to it was hard. The only casualties in the end were the empty bottle and the glass though, thrown against the far wall when he was silently raging against...everything. It's the only word to describe it now because the specific thing that's making him see red is just too painful to think about. So it gets focused on everything else. Ramon's not objective enough to figure out the potential downside of this.
Up might be good. Won't be tired. Get some work done.
...up makes you think. Can't help it, your mind speeds up. Needs something to do.
He's thought once or twice about returning to Haven. He told Random he might. But he's stuck in two minds over that - on one hand, Random might come here first and he wouldn't want to not be home when he gets back. Doesn't want him wandering through Shadows for any longer than he has to, even if it only takes another half hour.
On the other hand, he could not be a pussy and go wherever the fuck he wants and make Random look for him. What's another few minutes? Another day? Fuck, why not just go on vacation before coming back, Random?
Same hand - Haven's quiet. Less stimulation, a place that's calmer.
Other hand - Haven's quiet. Less stimulation, a place that's calmer. The house in Portugal might be on the beach in a small town but Lisbon's not far away. And there are bars. Things to do with the kid. Bars. People to take frustration out on when things get out of control. Bars.
Plans for today? None. Kid's gone out with the sitter for something. Nothing to do but can't drink yet, he'll be back. Fuck.
If he were honest with himself, he'd know that he wants to go to Haven because it's theirs. Their things are back in place since Arithon and Bianca left, everything's as it was. And full of memories of the two of them, just them, no one else. Even before Martin, it was a world just for two.
And if he were honest with himself, he'd also know that this is the exact reason he's balking at the prospect of being there. The idea of sitting in the quiet with no distractions doesn't make him feel anything good right now. But as he stands in the basement and stares at the array of drugs in front of him, trying to choose - it still doesn't take him that long to decide. Up means buzzing and distractions and bravado. But he doesn't reach that way. Not today. Today's a day for...sitting in the quiet with no distractions. Which is why he picks up the barbiturates instead of the powder, counting out a large dose and swallowing them dry.
Some days you're down, and you just want to stay there.